Would you hire a prostitute for a friend?

(Jun 11, 2019 12:53 AM)confused2 Wrote: Wow!

First off I agree absolutely with RU about the terms I used. My defence is that was being intentionally provocative. The appropriate term should at least have been 'sex worker'.

RU Wrote:your best move would be to approach an agency and have a chat with the manager. see what she thinks and she may meet him to see what he is interested in  and who might be an appropriately trained professional.

If I were (hypothetically) to proceed further that would be my next step - thank you for the suggestion.

hypothetically, they would want to ensure he/she is clean & sane
physically disabled rather than mentally disabled.

a sexual therapist whom specializes in disabled access to sex would be ideal as an opinion around his particular situation (cerebral palsy)

from a therapeutic side, if he/she has never discussed sexual activity then introducing the loss of normalcy would be creating a personal grievance in their perception.

whiling handing someone a free ticket to something they cant get to, may seem like a charitable process, the process of making someone aware of what they might be missing out on is indeed abusive.

you should be mindful of not putting yourself into this position.

this is very similar to opining the life out of tween children about how terrible life is being single which then drives them to risky early sexual behavior.


Objective of this study is to describe the problems young adults with Cerebral Palsy (CP) experience in the various stages of the sexual response cycle, and the physical and emotional obstacles they experience with sexuality. In this prospective cohort study 74 young adults (46 men; 28 women) with CP and average intelligence participated, aged 20–24 years. Twenty percent of these young adults with CP experienced anorgasmia, 80% reported physical problems with sex related to CP and 45% emotional inhibition to initiate sexual contact. In 90% of the participants, sexuality had not been discussed during the rehabilitation treatment. Many adolescents reported wanting information about the impact of CP on sexuality and reproduction (35%), about interventions (26%), tools and medicines (16%) and about problems with their partner (14%). Young adults with CP can experience various problems or challenges with sexuality. For preventing sexual difficulties and treating sexual problems, health care professionals need to proactively take the initiative to inform young people with CP about sexuality.


Quote:One of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to cerebral palsy is that adults like myself can’t have sex or any sexual interaction. Another misconception is that we don’t have the desire to have that type of physical interaction with our significant others, when indeed we do.
I consider sex to be one of the most challenging things for me in my womanhood. I want to experience it like an ordinary woman in my age would. I want to explore my sexuality, myself and all that entails. I want to grow as a person in all aspects of my life, see what I can accomplish and understand more about who I am.
We all become aware of our sexual desires at different ages. The first time I had an urge to have sex was five years ago, when I was 18 years old. I had just started to date my current boyfriend. At the start of our relationship, I wasn’t expecting to start wanting to have sex with him. And then before you know it, we were sexting and having cybersex daily.


Quote:As a disabled queer man who uses a wheelchair and loves sex and getting naked with men, I have had to navigate the coming out process a number of times and in a number of different ways.

I first came out as gay when I was 16. At that time, I was struggling with the fact that I used a wheelchair and I was terrified that by opening up about my sexuality, I would only be adding another burden to my life as a disabled person.

After searching for a term that felt like it fit me more authentically, I came out as “queer” when I was 27. I didn’t feel comfortable using “gay” anymore. Because of my disability, I am not muscular, “masc4masc” or any of the things that are so often culturally associated with that word. Using the term “queer” felt safe. It meant that I didn’t have to subscribe to a narrative that conjured particular images or ideas that my disability didn’t or couldn’t fulfill.
At 30, I came out as a “queer cripple.” This was during my “Fuck you! I‘m disabled and if you can’t deal with it, get the fuck out” phase. I knew what people thought about disabled people and sex, and I wanted to take those misconceptions, turn them inside out and wear them like a badge of honor. If I reclaimed the word “cripple” and said it first, maybe the ableism and prejudice I encountered on a daily basis wouldn’t hurt as much, right?
Throughout my life, I’ve had to reveal my different identities to the personal care workers who help me with daily tasks like showering and using the bathroom. Each time I came out to one of them, I hoped my honesty wouldn’t offend them, as I am dependent upon their help. There were many times I hid who I am from them, so I wouldn’t lose my care.

I’ve also had to come out to members of the disability community. To my surprise and dismay, coming out to them has often been the hardest. I’ve been told that all I needed was an able-bodied girl in my life and everything would be all right. Each of these coming out stories has shaped my queer disabled identity in significant ways, but I believe my most recent coming out experience has been the most transformative and powerful in my journey as a queer cripple: I told my mom I hire sex workers.
I had made the decision to employ male sex workers almost two years ago. I was exhausted by the ableism I was dealing with when looking for a hookup. I was exhausted by being asked if my genitals worked and being sent messages telling me that I looked “too cute to be disabled” or that I “looked retarded ― nobody wants you.” The hurt these exchanges caused was having a devastatingly negative effect on me and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was angry that I couldn’t access my body the way I wanted and I was angry that other queer men didn’t see my body as sexually viable.
One day, I visited a gay male escort website and started looking around. I didn’t really have a clue what I was doing, but I knew that I needed to try something new.
I contacted a few of the men on the website and asked if they had ever been with a disabled client before. Some said they had and many others said they hadn’t. I finally found an escort that I really liked ― he had brown hair, beautiful blue eyes and a chest full of hair (my weakness). I reached out to him and said I’d like to book a session. He agreed. We began seeing each other regularly.
Our first session was marked by nervousness as each of us tried to navigate how to approach my disability. He didn’t want to hurt me and he told me later he was worried about not meeting my expectations. I was doing my best to make the disability-related parts ― getting me into bed, putting on my special sling while telling him how to move me ― easy for him. I remember spending that first night terrified that he would tell me he couldn’t do it and he’d leave, just like so many had before him.
He’s stuck around, though, and we have fallen into a comfortable rhythm with each other. We share our bodies, our vulnerabilities and many laughs together. We’ve built a trust that I don’t have with anyone else, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. He’s helped me connect my queerness and my disability in ways that I can’t even describe, and for that I am incredibly thankful.

As my adventure in this new world was unfolding, I was hiding these experiences from my mom and it was killing me. She has seen me ― and my body ― at my best and at my worst and we’ve always been incredibly open and honest with each other about everything. But I didn’t dare admit that I had been hiring an escort. Part of me felt a huge shame about what I was doing and I didn’t want her to feel that shame, too. I also didn’t want her to worry that her son ― a physically vulnerable man ― had gone down a dark path or wonder what this choice might mean for me and my future. So, I didn’t tell her about what I had been (very happily) doing... until just a couple of weeks ago.
It was a Tuesday evening and my mom and I were in the middle of one of our daily chats on the phone. I don’t remember what we were talking about ― it was something totally inconsequential ― and suddenly, I just went for it and blurted out, “You know mom, I hire sex workers.”
Terrified of her response, I remember audibly gasping after I said it. She waited about 10 seconds before speaking and in that time I played out every possible response. She would be angry. She would denounce me. She would be ashamed of me. And then, after that brief pause (during which I felt as though 100 years had gone by), she said something I will not ever forget: “I think that’s great.”
I felt a huge wave of relief instantly wash over me. I took a deep breath. When I get scared or excited or have any kind of emotion at all, all of my muscles tense up (thanks, cerebral palsy). But at that moment they immediately relaxed and I sunk comfortably into the crevices of my wheelchair. I suddenly felt freer than I could remember ever feeling before. I could completely be myself with my mom: a wheelchair user; queer; disabled; a man who hires sex workers to get his needs met.
Telling my mom about this part of my life has helped me to embrace and celebrate the agency I have over my body, my time and my money, and it’s allowed me to shift the ways I looked at intimacy, sex and love.

One of the most powerful comments my mom made after our chat was, “Andrew, sex is not bad.”
It is such a simple statement but an incredibly powerful one to hear from someone you respect and love and want to make proud. She also told me, “You can just have sex ― it doesn’t need to be tied to love.” Because so much of the sex and disability narrative is linked to romance ― and to finding someone to love you “past your disability” (ugh!) ― her affirmation and support of me being a purely sexual, queer cripple, when and however I want, felt amazing.
Most importantly, I think coming out to my mom about hiring sex workers has strengthened our relationship. I know now that I can truly share every part of my disabled, queer life with her and that means everything to me. What’s more, we can now build an even stronger friendship as two individuals ― and not just play out our respective “mom and son” roles.
Coming out is never easy. There’s always the very real threat of being rejected and hurt, and if you are disabled, you could lose a whole lot more too. But the more we tell our stories and share what we are going through  ― and why we have made the decisions we’ve made ― the more we break down barriers between the people we love and the world at large.
Unfortunately, in 2019, hiring a sex worker is still heavily stigmatized in our society, but it really shouldn’t be. What happens between two consenting adults should be their business ― and their business alone. For people like me ― a queer cripple with a healthy sexual appetite ― it allows me to access my body and sexuality in a way that makes me feel powerful, sexy and important ― all things that we don’t usually associate with disability.
I’m lucky to have a mom who accepts me ― all of me. I know that not everyone is as fortunate as I am in that respect but maybe, just maybe by sharing my story and revealing who I am, I will have given someone else the courage to talk to their loved ones and be more open.
If I was able to do that, it was totally worth it!
Andrew Gurza is a disability awareness consultant and cripple content creator whose writing has been featured in Daily Xtra, Gay Times UK, HuffPost, The Advocate, Everyday Feminism, Mashable, Out.com and several anthologies. He is also the host of the “DisabilityAfterDark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Sex and Disability,” available on all podcast platforms. You can follow the podcast @disaftdarkpod. He is also the creator of the viral hashtag #DisabledPeopleAreHot. You can find out more about Andrew by going to www.andrewgurza.com and connecting with him on Twitter and Instagram @theandrewgurza.

it is a crime that prostitution is illegal in the usa
this criminalization of sex workers in the usa is the church interfering with the state and needs to end
CC Wrote:Would a prostitute really be necessary?
We've got to the age of 55 and nothing seems to have happened so far.

I like the idea of a "sporting lady" - sounds like she'd be great fun to be with.
I suspect the main advantage of the toothless hooker is that she's cheap but I haven't researched the subject.

CC Wrote:I've never actually understood why anyone would want to be intimate with someone who doesn't actually care anything about them,

Nice people can be very nice to be with even if it isn't for very long or for all kinds of wrong reasons. Nurses are generally nice but you don't get to to take them home with you.

I have a friend called Ernie (Electronic Random Number ? ?) who sends me cheques from time to time - he doesn't care about me but I'm always pleased to hear from him.

In the Uk we have the Samaritans - anyone can call at any time and there will be someone (a stranger) to listen. It seems to do 'something' though whether for the caller or the 'Samaritan' is debatable.

Put together the Samaritans, Ernie and the used underwear and what do you get?
I'm thinking not much matters except a letter comes back hand written with a dab of perfume on the paper (I'm thinking perfume from a bottle rather than from the lady herself). One of the joys of living with a girl is that the bathroom stops smelling like a bacteriological research establishment. In the life of a solitary male a little non-self perfume goes a long way (I actually know this to be true).

Could run as part charity and part subscription - Sophia always appreciates a token..
Probably best to run letters through a UV/XRay sterilizer before even touching them.

All ideas presented on this forum are in the public domain - feel free to run with it. Give me an address and I'll set up your first correspondant.
Why am I not surprise that RU is strongly in favor of prostitution? You'd think that would make RU less angst-ridden.
(Jun 10, 2019 03:54 AM)Yazata Wrote:
(Jun 10, 2019 01:07 AM)confused2 Wrote: This is totally hypothetical (of course).

Of course.

Quote:Say you had a friend with cerebral palsy and he was one of the nicest people you had ever met. We wouldn't be talking about 'young and disabled' we'd be in the 55 and over category

Which suggests that he's come to terms with his life and over the years has probably become well adapted to it. From your description, it sounds like his life is very simple and straightforward. There can be a kind of purity and beauty in that, for those who can see. Monastics often try to attain it.

Quote:after about 40 years of living off the minimum state benefits given to people who aren't disabled - in his opinion he isn't disabled so that's what he gets. My opinion (and this is a friend) is that he's a complete mess.

That's your perception of him. Hopefully he doesn't share it about himself. You will probably do him more good if you let him sense that you just accept him for what he is, warts and all, and that you enjoy his company. That's the best gift you can give him: be his friend.

Quote:Assuming (hypothetically) that money was no object - would you seek out a decent whore for him?

No. What would a whore provide him that he doesn't already have? I'd be surprised if he hasn't long ago discovered the wonders of masturbation and is very proficient at it. So his getting his rocks off wouldn't be a problem. Not having a female companion to share his life with might be a problem (or maybe not) but a prostitute wouldn't address that.

I guess that I'd say that if he's satisfied with his life, then don't do anything to mess it up. You might sound him out as subtly as you can about whether he's ever considered hiring a prostitute and what he thinks about the idea. (You could maybe bring it up in the context of you or somebody else thinking about it.) My guess is that he won't be interested.

Me Wrote:My opinion (and this is a friend) is that he's a complete mess.

Yazata Wrote:That's your perception of him. Hopefully he doesn't share it about himself. You will probably do him more good if you let him sense that you just accept him for what he is, warts and all, and that you enjoy his company. That's the best gift you can give him: be his friend.
I should have phrased that as "What I think most people will see." - more realistically that is indeed what most people seem to see - the part he hates most is 'an easy target' which is also what I hate most on his behalf.
Living in a small city I'd seen him around for maybe 25 years before we actually met - he's always stood out and I always thought "That's one hell of a guy.", About 12 years ago he turned up on my doorstep and said something like "I need a friend.". For the next year or so he was a frequent and welcome visitor. Eleven years ago we moved to away. I don't have any other friends (except birds) and I miss that easy friendship. So I think of him which is useless and I ought to go see him - you are not the first to make that point - which is probably the most important point.
Is the public perception of disabled people different in the UK?
SS Wrote:If your hypothetical friend was a woman, would you still be asking this question? If not, why not?
Addressed to my younger self it is unlikely that I would have a female friend with no experience of sex. To my older (married) self - it unlikely that I would have a female friend.

I would be more worried about 'what a strange man might do to a woman' than what a man I know might do to a strange woman or what a strange woman might do to a man I know.

I think it would be easier and more fun to take a female to a place where they might meet people - particularly if they weren't prone to getting drunk, shouting at everyone and then falling over.

Leigha Wrote:Is your friend discussing this with you, or do you pity your friend, and think that this is something he might want, but is too shy to request?
For the purposes of this discussion I think this is something he might want but is too shy to request.

Yazata makes a very good point which I think is a very good summary.
Yazata Wrote:..Which suggests that he's come to terms with his life and over the years has probably become well adapted to it. From your description, it sounds like his life is very simple and straightforward. There can be a kind of purity and beauty in that, for those who can see. Monastics often try to attain it.
Nicely put, thank you.
In the the actual (hypothetical) situation I will assume Yazata is correct unless given reason to think otherwise.

SS Wrote:Is the public perception of disabled people different in the UK?
The area he lives in (also the area we lived in) is poor, lots of social deprivation, single parents, kids playing truant from school. Also a place where young and not always pleasant people go to get drunk. In the past the area was regularly patrolled by the police, originally on foot, then in cars and now not at all.

People live there because it's cheap. It's cheap because people don't want to live with all the people that are already there.

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