May 1, 2018 06:41 PM
(This post was last modified: May 1, 2018 06:45 PM by Magical Realist.)
https://theconcourse.deadspin.com/the-be...1664598888
"Alright, first, let's address the fruity, carbonated elephant in the room. No, Mike's Hard Lemonade is not, strictly speaking, beer. But we are inclusive here. Lest we forget the Beer Idiot Credo:
A Beer Idiot does not dismiss any alcoholic beverage out of hand; instead, he or she puts them IN his or her hand. A Beer Idiot judges the quality of the drink on its merits only, eschewing price and label, using his or her limited intellect to its fullest capacity. Above all, a Beer Idiot strives for Buzz in its many forms, always cognizant of the fact that drinking is a privilege. For those about to pop tops, we salute you.
(Apologies for the gender binary. The Beer Idiot Credo was written, like, a million-billion years ago or something.)
So while you were reciting the Credo with your right hand over your liver, I did some research, and it turns out I don't actually know if Mike's Hard is beer or not. According to their website, these products are classified as beer by the government, which means they don't have to list the ingredients on the label. But the government is stupid, so that dog won't hunt. Also, I'm stupid, so I don't know if "fermented malt base" is all that's required to qualify as beer for our purposes! Well...
In a last gasp to understand what exactly it is that we are putting into our faces, let's turn to the purity experts: Deutschland. According to the Reinheitsgebot (German Purity Law) and, later, the Biersteuergesetz (Other Thing), German beer can only contain water, barley, hops, and sometimes yeast. Shockingly, the world has once again decided to ignore Germany's stern suggestions about how to remain pure, and so the inclusion of sugar and lemon juice in Mike's Hard Lemonade's does not disqualify it from consideration as beer in this country.
But it doesn't taste like beer, so it isn't beer.
However, it also doesn't taste like lemonade, so it isn't lemonade, either.
What it is, though, is a refreshingly competent, if disappointingly generic, alcopop: a booze-delivery vehicle presumably designed to appeal to horrible little children. But why? Because horrible little children like good-tasting things? Because, to them, the flavor of hops comes in somewhere slightly above Brussels-sprouts blanch-water and well below being hit by a car? I personally do enjoy the flavor of hops, but I would look at you a bit cross-eyed if you said your Mountain Dew could use some additional bitterness, spice, and grassy notes.
It's good to like good-tasting things! And smart! I have eaten dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 700 consecutive days because it tastes good, and because I'm playing a very mean trick on the person who will receive my organs after I am dead. As I've said before, it isn't true that only "difficult" or "complex" things are worth doing—take kicking Steven Crowder's ass, for instance. Sometimes it's good to ask your 16-year-old if you can "steal a couple of her malternatives for a special night with the enigmatic temptress known only as Mom." Man up, dude. Have a Mike's. Have sex with your wife.
While plain ol' Mike's may not be the most extreme flavor profile, its tide has risen all boats, and you will now find any number of absurd, Wonka-like concoctions in the malt-beverage section..."
"Alright, first, let's address the fruity, carbonated elephant in the room. No, Mike's Hard Lemonade is not, strictly speaking, beer. But we are inclusive here. Lest we forget the Beer Idiot Credo:
A Beer Idiot does not dismiss any alcoholic beverage out of hand; instead, he or she puts them IN his or her hand. A Beer Idiot judges the quality of the drink on its merits only, eschewing price and label, using his or her limited intellect to its fullest capacity. Above all, a Beer Idiot strives for Buzz in its many forms, always cognizant of the fact that drinking is a privilege. For those about to pop tops, we salute you.
(Apologies for the gender binary. The Beer Idiot Credo was written, like, a million-billion years ago or something.)
So while you were reciting the Credo with your right hand over your liver, I did some research, and it turns out I don't actually know if Mike's Hard is beer or not. According to their website, these products are classified as beer by the government, which means they don't have to list the ingredients on the label. But the government is stupid, so that dog won't hunt. Also, I'm stupid, so I don't know if "fermented malt base" is all that's required to qualify as beer for our purposes! Well...
In a last gasp to understand what exactly it is that we are putting into our faces, let's turn to the purity experts: Deutschland. According to the Reinheitsgebot (German Purity Law) and, later, the Biersteuergesetz (Other Thing), German beer can only contain water, barley, hops, and sometimes yeast. Shockingly, the world has once again decided to ignore Germany's stern suggestions about how to remain pure, and so the inclusion of sugar and lemon juice in Mike's Hard Lemonade's does not disqualify it from consideration as beer in this country.
But it doesn't taste like beer, so it isn't beer.
However, it also doesn't taste like lemonade, so it isn't lemonade, either.
What it is, though, is a refreshingly competent, if disappointingly generic, alcopop: a booze-delivery vehicle presumably designed to appeal to horrible little children. But why? Because horrible little children like good-tasting things? Because, to them, the flavor of hops comes in somewhere slightly above Brussels-sprouts blanch-water and well below being hit by a car? I personally do enjoy the flavor of hops, but I would look at you a bit cross-eyed if you said your Mountain Dew could use some additional bitterness, spice, and grassy notes.
It's good to like good-tasting things! And smart! I have eaten dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 700 consecutive days because it tastes good, and because I'm playing a very mean trick on the person who will receive my organs after I am dead. As I've said before, it isn't true that only "difficult" or "complex" things are worth doing—take kicking Steven Crowder's ass, for instance. Sometimes it's good to ask your 16-year-old if you can "steal a couple of her malternatives for a special night with the enigmatic temptress known only as Mom." Man up, dude. Have a Mike's. Have sex with your wife.
While plain ol' Mike's may not be the most extreme flavor profile, its tide has risen all boats, and you will now find any number of absurd, Wonka-like concoctions in the malt-beverage section..."