Compliments vs. Street Harassment

#1
Quote:Guys, if you find yourself wanting to compliment a random woman you do not know and who is not asking for your opinion, ask yourself this: why does your opinion on her appearance matter?

Why do you absolutely need to express that opinion, even knowing that it might make her uncomfortable?

Why is it her responsibility to deal with that potential discomfort or “get over it,” not your responsibility to keep your opinions to yourself unless they are relevant or solicited?

And, most importantly–if complimenting people matters so much to you, why not compliment a female friend who knows and trusts you? Hell, why not compliment another man?

http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/2013/05/miri/

A middle aged man puckered his lips and made a kissing gesture towards me.  It made me feel uncomfortable because it wasn’t a compliment.  It was a rude gesture.  A compliment is a polite gesture, requiring only a simple thank you.  Why then would a compliment make some women feel uneasy?  

Is it because they find it difficult to determine the difference between a compliment and flattery?  Is it because the compliment may contradict their perception of themselves?

It doesn’t seem to be about compliments vs. false flattery, though.  I think it’s about persuasion vs. coercion, where the fundamental distinction is the use of physical force, some other form of pressure, or intimidation.  

I think that sincere compliments are healthy, even from perfect strangers.  I also think that persuasion itself is healthy.  What do you think?
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#2
Persuasion vs. coercion is indeed at the heart of the matter.  Persuading someone that they will find something intrinsically rewarding vs. pressuring them to comply with a personal, or even social standard are very different things.
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#3
I've heard adjoining patients in hospitals and residents of nursing homes (as well as one of my own relatives) "privately" express irritation at the nurses referring to them as "hon, dear, sugar, etc". Which is quite a fix for the latter to be in if management encourages them to do that to back-up a claim that the facility is friendly in a domestic / cozy kind of way.

In the course of a stop during a trip, there was a senior-ish lady at a checkout counter of Walmart who I noticed receiving an insulted expression from a customer for using one of those benignities. It was a small town and probably 99% percent of the store's patrons thought nothing of such -- just a homespun unit of causal conversation routinely thrown in there. But the 1% from somewhere else would be sufficient reason for me to maintain a Vulcan verbal style and poker face as a precaution, if in her shoes. [Barring the minority of customers I might actually recognize or remember as local.]

Even though we had no Swabian ancestry that I'm aware of, my marginally taciturn dad seemed to emulate them in that he had a reluctance to issue compliments in a direct manner. But such hesitation apparently revolves around concern of such coming across as manipulative flattery. That tendency also seems connected to the Swabian disinclination of accepting and delivering exaggerated praise for good work or craftsmanship -- as if a job well done is obvious enough without having to utter it aloud to each other.

Harassment-wise, a few people are just downright fatally uninhibited in their personalities. It's as if no company policy or law or threat to career or fear of litigation can constrain or put the fear into them. Whereas on the flip side, I can recollect hubby historically being so occasionally shy or out of place in the company of females that it was like he thought the Copter Police were going to sky-drop into the dining room and haul him off in chains for saying the wrong thing or touching somebody's foot accidentally.
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#4
(Aug 6, 2016 08:32 PM)C C Wrote: Even though we had no Swabian ancestry that I'm aware of, my marginally taciturn dad seemed to emulate them in that he had a reluctance to issue compliments in a direct manner. But such hesitation apparently revolves around concern of such coming across as manipulative flattery. That tendency also seems connected to the Swabian disinclination of accepting and delivering exaggerated praise for  good work or craftsmanship -- as if a job well done is obvious enough without having to utter it aloud to each other.  

That’s interesting, C C.  One of the biggest swabian compliments that you can receive is "no complaints".  

Giving compliments is fairly common in most cultures, but how you respond to them is a whole nother story.  Did you know that in some African cultures, if you compliment a person on their shirt or food, their obligated to give it to you?  

Wouldn’t that be fun?  Wink
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#5
(Aug 7, 2016 07:18 AM)Secular Sanity Wrote: Giving compliments is fairly common in most cultures, but how you respond to them is a whole nother story.  Did you know that in some African cultures, if you compliment a person on their shirt or food, their obligated to give it to you? Wouldn’t that be fun?  Wink


LOL. Hopefully there it's not deemed impolite or effrontery to dispense such praise and invoke the "rewards".[*] It would be just my luck that in the course of unknowingly baring all the fine young men's torsos, I was likewise oblivious to the grudges they might be privately accumulating.

- - - - - - -

[*] Even though the rules of cordial reception made it possible in theory, the pre-Christian Inuit, Yuit, and Kalaallit men rarely offered their wives to unimportant or average visitors / strangers (no matter how blandishing and grateful the latter's attitudes). And it was considered rude if the guest actually made the request, supposedly forcing his host to comply.

A lot of the other seemingly related activity in the Arctic was more gender-balanced(?), ritualistic spouse-swapping (shaman blessed) for a variety of pragmatic purposes. Including triggering "good fortune" for the community members. The more arbitrary "putting-out-of-the-lamps" game was apparently only played in Greenland. The angekok had a sacred role there too, offering prayers and summoning the ghostly essences or something beforehand.
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#6
Well, that was a short-lived moniker and it was just starting to get good. Sad

Wow, you’re quite the host, Madame C C.  At one time, it was traditional for guests to repay their host with a story of their travels.

The War of the Worlds by H. G. Bells
Commander in Chief Stryder:  Our ozone depletion has reached a critical state.  I’ve just received a response to our distress signal from Tau Ceti e, which lies just 11.9 light years from Earth.  It’s Earth’s last best hope.  Have the Feminist Federation Fleet report to my office immediately.

Officer Elite:  Yes, Commander.  Right away, sir.

Admiral Ben:  You wanted to see us, Commander?  

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Yes.  Prepare your ship and crew.  You’ll be departing for the constellation of Cetus at 0600.  We’ve received an invitation from the inhabitants of Tau Ceti e.  The inhabitants are known as Godots and they have assured us that their planet is inhabitable for our species.  I expect to have a full report on my desk immediately upon your return.

Admiral Ben:  Yes, Commander.

Officer Elite:  The Feminist Federation is here to see you, sir.  

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Do we have their report and is the data complete?

Officer Elite:  Yes, sir.  It’s in the file on your desk.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Send them in.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  I see here that Commodore Yazata found Tau Ceti e inhabitable and with an abundance of natural resources.  Nevertheless, Captain C C reports that the Godots have created a hostile environment.  Do you agree with Captain C C’s assessment, Lieutenant S S?

Lieutenant S S:  Yes, Commander.  The Godots were welcoming, but once Captain C C removed her helmet, they became aggressive.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Is there empirical evidence?

Chief Engineer Officer Realist:  Yes, Commander.  The audio analytics on my Pilot universal translation system was able to detect and capture a video image of the assailant.  The sons of Godots saw the daughters of humans that they were fair.  The video image clearly shows one of them verbally expressing Captain C C’s beauty.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Did you find the remark offensive, as well, Lieutenant S S?  

Lieutenant S S:  Yes, sir.  I was also intimidated and afraid to remove my helmet.

Officer Elite:  Sorry to interrupt, Commander, but the Godots just issued a Reasoned Universal Declaration of War.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  And the Degree of Justification?

Officer Elite:  The Godots saw that the wickedness of humans was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually. They will destroy both humans and beasts from the face of the earth.  They plan to flood our atmosphere with atomic halogens fully destroying our depleting ozone layer.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Issue a red alert, Admiral Ben.  Evacuate the surface and tell the people to remain in the caves until further notice.

Admiral Ben:  Yes, Commander.  Right away, sir.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Just between you and I, Ben, do you think Captain C C is beautiful?

Admiral Ben:  You have to be careful to, first of all, say she is brilliant, and she is dedicated, and she is tough, and exactly what you’d want in a Captain.  She also happens to be by far the best-looking Captain in the Federation.

Commander in Chief Stryder:  Quoting Obama, eh?  Well played, Ben.  Well played.
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#7
(Aug 8, 2016 07:45 PM)Secular Sanity Wrote: Well, that was a short-lived moniker and it was just starting to get good. Sad


Yep. Considering how long a leash "Make Trade Fair" was allowed time-wise, the object of Vladimir and Estragon's patience only got to enjoy a mayfly's brief frolic in the sun.
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#8
(Aug 9, 2016 11:04 PM)C C Wrote: Yep. Considering how long a leash "Make Trade Fair" was allowed time-wise, the object of Vladimir and Estragon's patience only got to enjoy a mayfly's brief frolic in the sun.

More like a fly on the wall that you disregard until it falls in your soup.   

Did you know, Madame C C, that the mayfly, not only has the shortest lifespan, but it’s also linked to my original moniker?
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#9
(Aug 10, 2016 05:22 PM)Secular Sanity Wrote: Did you know, Madame C C, that the mayfly, not only has the shortest lifespan, but it’s also linked to my original moniker?


Another coincidence for the "Weird & Beyond" category. (Where's MR at these days?)

Although "Ephemera" might be a fitting name for anybody to begin with in regard to the high casualty rate of first-time members at ___Forums, I very much doubt that would be involved with the connection. Anymore than Wight's Watershed chalking up a record cloud of mayflies swarming up the hillside from Trooper Creek to obscure the bridge over Redrock Gully.
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#10
(Aug 10, 2016 09:23 PM)C C Wrote: Another coincidence for the "Weird & Beyond" category. (Where's MR at these days?)  

Although "Ephemera" might be a fitting name for anybody to begin with in regard to the high casualty rate of first-time members at ___Forums, I very much doubt that would be involved with the connection. Anymore than Wight's Watershed chalking up a record cloud of mayflies swarming up the hillside from Trooper Creek to obscure the bridge over Redrock Gully.

Good one, C C.  Big Grin

Let me ask you something.  There’s a red 'banned' banner underneath the moniker.  Why do they keep responding to a banned member?
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