Jul 20, 2022 07:17 AM
https://newhumanist.org.uk/articles/5996...ally-wrong
INTRO: For many generations in societies shaped by Christianity, monogamy has been the almost undisputed champion of relationship norms. In Britain and the US, it has been held up as the dominant – really the only – ideal for serious romantic partnerships, toward which all of us should always be striving. According to the authors of a 2019 article in Archives of Sexual Behavior, focused on the US context, a “halo surrounds monogamous relationships . . . monogamous people are perceived to have various positive qualities based solely on the fact they are monogamous.” Other relationship models, or even just being persistently single, have often been seen as suspect, if not morally wrong.
Things are starting to change, though. Progressives, at least, increasingly exhibit a greater open-mindedness about intimate pairings that are not expected to be exclusive. There is growing awareness of alternatives to monogamy, such as polyamory: roughly, valuing or engaging in more than one sexual or romantic relationship at a time.
Monogamy as a social norm. The feminist critique of compulsory monogamy is compelling. According to Lori Watson, professor of philosophy at Washington University in St. Louis, “the practice and enforcement of monogamy within marriages has largely served the interests of men.” Throughout history, men have wanted to ensure their children are really theirs: that way, any property they bequeath ends up with their biological offspring. She concludes that “the idea that this and only this arrangement is conducive to respectful, loving relationships is myopic – and arguably in service of shoring up the dominant position men have traditionally enjoyed.”
Of course, men in contemporary societies often also face stigma for missing monogamous benchmarks. They may be accused of having “commitment issues” or “failing to settle down” if they resist, however thoughtfully or deliberately, the pervasive pressure to find a “soulmate” (and eschew all others). Philosopher Justin Clardy argues that heterosexual African American men who are ethically polyamorous (with the willing agreement of all concerned) are nevertheless often harmfully stereotyped as “players” – that is, as men who are assumed to “just want sex”.
Even people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer are far from immune to these kinds of pressures. Like members of the gay community who led the push for same-sex marriage in the early 2000s, they know that pursuing a monogamous relationship can gain you at least partial acceptance from a society that regards you as “other.” Historians will remind us that not everyone in the gay community was on board with same-sex marriage. Some saw it as a regrettable capitulation to overly restrictive relationship norms; an unreasonable price to pay for relatively respectful treatment from “straight” society.
Until recently, however, critics of monogamy have tended not to oppose it in principle. Rather, they have argued that we should be free to craft our relationships according to our own preferences and needs. As long as all parties are mature adults and agree to the plan, who is anyone else to judge?
Power and control. Harry Chalmers, for one. He is part of a growing cadre of philosophers arguing that monogamy itself may be morally wrong. In his 2019 paper “Is Monogamy Morally Permissible?” published in the Journal of Value Inquiry, he argued against a laissez-faire perspective that sees both monogamy and non-monogamy appropriately sitting on the menu of options. Instead, he writes: “We morally ought to reject monogamy.” To be clear, Chalmers thinks people should be free to have one, and only one, sexual or romantic partner in any given period. What he thinks is wrong, rather, is the common practice of placing restrictions on how one’s partner may act with others – in terms of sexual contact or emotional intimacy – as a condition of continuing the relationship... (MORE - details)
INTRO: For many generations in societies shaped by Christianity, monogamy has been the almost undisputed champion of relationship norms. In Britain and the US, it has been held up as the dominant – really the only – ideal for serious romantic partnerships, toward which all of us should always be striving. According to the authors of a 2019 article in Archives of Sexual Behavior, focused on the US context, a “halo surrounds monogamous relationships . . . monogamous people are perceived to have various positive qualities based solely on the fact they are monogamous.” Other relationship models, or even just being persistently single, have often been seen as suspect, if not morally wrong.
Things are starting to change, though. Progressives, at least, increasingly exhibit a greater open-mindedness about intimate pairings that are not expected to be exclusive. There is growing awareness of alternatives to monogamy, such as polyamory: roughly, valuing or engaging in more than one sexual or romantic relationship at a time.
Monogamy as a social norm. The feminist critique of compulsory monogamy is compelling. According to Lori Watson, professor of philosophy at Washington University in St. Louis, “the practice and enforcement of monogamy within marriages has largely served the interests of men.” Throughout history, men have wanted to ensure their children are really theirs: that way, any property they bequeath ends up with their biological offspring. She concludes that “the idea that this and only this arrangement is conducive to respectful, loving relationships is myopic – and arguably in service of shoring up the dominant position men have traditionally enjoyed.”
Of course, men in contemporary societies often also face stigma for missing monogamous benchmarks. They may be accused of having “commitment issues” or “failing to settle down” if they resist, however thoughtfully or deliberately, the pervasive pressure to find a “soulmate” (and eschew all others). Philosopher Justin Clardy argues that heterosexual African American men who are ethically polyamorous (with the willing agreement of all concerned) are nevertheless often harmfully stereotyped as “players” – that is, as men who are assumed to “just want sex”.
Even people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer are far from immune to these kinds of pressures. Like members of the gay community who led the push for same-sex marriage in the early 2000s, they know that pursuing a monogamous relationship can gain you at least partial acceptance from a society that regards you as “other.” Historians will remind us that not everyone in the gay community was on board with same-sex marriage. Some saw it as a regrettable capitulation to overly restrictive relationship norms; an unreasonable price to pay for relatively respectful treatment from “straight” society.
Until recently, however, critics of monogamy have tended not to oppose it in principle. Rather, they have argued that we should be free to craft our relationships according to our own preferences and needs. As long as all parties are mature adults and agree to the plan, who is anyone else to judge?
Power and control. Harry Chalmers, for one. He is part of a growing cadre of philosophers arguing that monogamy itself may be morally wrong. In his 2019 paper “Is Monogamy Morally Permissible?” published in the Journal of Value Inquiry, he argued against a laissez-faire perspective that sees both monogamy and non-monogamy appropriately sitting on the menu of options. Instead, he writes: “We morally ought to reject monogamy.” To be clear, Chalmers thinks people should be free to have one, and only one, sexual or romantic partner in any given period. What he thinks is wrong, rather, is the common practice of placing restrictions on how one’s partner may act with others – in terms of sexual contact or emotional intimacy – as a condition of continuing the relationship... (MORE - details)
