What are We Supposed to Do?

#11
Do pedophiles exhibit behaviour under normal circumstances that indicate they may be an abuser? I have seen this guy all of a sudden drop his drawers (moon) a few times just to get a laugh, or so I thought. I have also seen & heard on several occasions this man use suggestive sexual terms around the wife of another of his brothers. For some reason he would only talk this way with her and no one else in the family received the same treatment. My other B-I-L, this woman's husband, just shrugged it off as harmless joking. Same man now wants to disown his brother. What really had us thinking he may have hurt our kids was a photo he once sent to us showing his two kids and two of ours naked in a bathtub. Although it always struck me as odd, at that time I had no reason to think he was a sexual predator so I now consider ourselves lucky that nothing happened. Although we never left them alone with him again. As for my wife he would at times act as if she wasn't there, frequently cutting her out of conversations. I said something about that a few times but he fluffed it off. So is pedophilia about power or satisfying an uncontrollable urge?
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#12
(Apr 10, 2018 03:35 AM)Zinjanthropos Wrote: Do pedophiles exhibit behaviour under normal circumstances that indicate they may be an abuser?


Possibly not for some, if they elude detection for decades. But OTOH, others hide what they are in plain sight. The tabloids supposedly called Jeffrey Epstein's private jet the "Lolita Express" well before he was finally arrested. He took famous guests (including Clinton and Trump) to "his island in St. Thomas". He was wealthy, taught math and physics at one time, made donations to science research, assorted organizations, etc. (Scivillage post from 2016) (Newer: The one weird court case linking Trump, Clinton, and a billionaire pedophile) (2003: Man of mystery that the mega-rich trust)

Jerry Sandusky's life might constitute a typical profile of a covert predator who doesn't emerge till late in life. Far into the media spotlight he was still referring to the incident in a shower with a boy as "just horseplay, not molestation".

Merely on the fly stuff, not picked from the deepest orchards of the social sciences:

Profile of a Pedophile and Common Characteristics
https://www.thoughtco.com/profile-of-ped...ics-973203

Psychopathology and Personality Traits of Pedophiles (multi-page article)
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/addictio...pedophiles

How to identify a pedophile
https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Pedophile

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#13
Using definitions from one of CC's links and from what I already know, I'd classify my B-I-L as a hebephile, preferring those pubescent/early adolescent stage kids (11-14). From all reports we are going to learn more in a few days. My wife is still very upset and uncomfortable about reaching out to her brother at this time. Personally I don't feel any sympathy for the guy and just want him to go away, not wishing to be a part of his life anymore. As for his wife & kids I have no problem remaining close. I will say this, his working life involved a huge amount of time spent with such an age group and my feeling is that this incident is only the tip of the iceberg.

Of course if I didn't have his admission of guilt email I probably wouldn't feel 100% against him. I also realize that he did not spell out exactly what happened back then so I guess me possessing an element of doubt due to a lack of information may also be justified. He did say 'of a sexual nature' however. The victim is his relative by marriage so needless to say his wife is not thrilled by the news. Don't think we've heard the end of this yet. Apparently he started counselling yesterday so we'll see where that goes.
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#14
Bad and sad how someone would treat those with high innocence and low power like he did.  I would also want to stay away from someone socially toxic like that.
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#15
(Apr 10, 2018 07:08 PM)elte Wrote: Bad and sad how someone would treat those with high innocence and low power like he did.  I would also want to stay away from someone socially toxic like that.

Sorry but I was remiss in not offering my sympathies for your experiences. Yep, I really don't need the awkwardness of a meeting with him. Plus I'm concerned for my wife's emotions as well. I'm too old to forgive I guess, thinking my time left should be spent dealing with happier things. Forgive or not, this one's going to stick.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through a mind when a criminal offence is being perpetrated. Surely in most cases the criminal knows it's wrong. If pedophilia is a genetic quirk then I have to wonder what if any benefit it serves the human race. Being the evolutionist that I am, I have trouble believing a trait that's harmful gets passed on. Meaning that if it is a evolutionary adaptation of some kind and it's been around for awhile, then it should serve some good, exactly what I can't comprehend. So I'm thinking that in geological time it's only a short run and will soon disappear. At least I hope so.
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#16
Victims do not have the right to absolve people of crimes (no more than they do to convict and punish), and efforts to do so would tend to fall under their own refusal to confront the incident or a kind of Stockholm Syndrome. On top of that, victims need counseling, so the trauma doesn't warp them, potentially making future predators. There are usually ways to anonymously report suspected crimes, and knowledge of a crime against a child, and potentially other/future victims, creates a moral imperative to inform authorities.
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#17
(Apr 10, 2018 07:49 PM)Syne Wrote: Victims do not have the right to absolve people of crimes (no more than they do to convict and punish), and efforts to do so would tend to fall under their own refusal to confront the incident or a kind of Stockholm Syndrome. On top of that, victims need counseling, so the trauma doesn't warp them, potentially making future predators. There are usually ways to anonymously report suspected crimes, and knowledge of a crime against a child, and potentially other/future victims, creates a moral imperative to inform authorities.

We have considered the fact my BIL was once abused himself. This has made my wife even more upset because she fears now that perhaps her father was an abuser. There are no indications this is true but there's always going to be doubt now. More than one victim here. He was planning on visiting us in a few weeks but for now I've communicated through his children that we need time to get over this so not welcome. Seeing him now might be the greatest awkward moment of our lives.

The phrase: "I'm too old for this shit" is my new mantra
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#18
(Apr 10, 2018 07:43 PM)Zinjanthropos Wrote:
(Apr 10, 2018 07:08 PM)elte Wrote: Bad and sad how someone would treat those with high innocence and low power like he did.  I would also want to stay away from someone socially toxic like that.

Sorry but I was remiss in not offering my sympathies for your experiences. Yep, I really don't need the awkwardness of a meeting with him. Plus I'm concerned for my wife's emotions as well. I'm too old to forgive I guess, thinking my time left should be spent dealing with happier things. Forgive or not, this one's going to stick.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through a mind when a criminal offence is being perpetrated. Surely in most cases the criminal knows it's wrong. If pedophilia is a genetic quirk then I have to wonder what if any benefit it serves the human race. Being the evolutionist that I am, I have trouble believing a trait that's harmful gets passed on. Meaning that if it is a evolutionary adaptation of some kind and it's been around for awhile, then it should serve some good, exactly what I can't comprehend. So I'm thinking that in geological time it's only a short run and will soon disappear. At least I hope so.

That's ok.  I guess my present problems feel hard enough that his behavior seems not to bother me much.  Most of my life,  except until relatively recently,  it wasn't in my conscious thought at all.  It might have to do with how I was fetisexual, even before I knew him.

Something I think about evolution is that it unfortunately supports predatory behavior as well as niceness in mammals.

I'm sorry about the things you have been going through.
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